Grief

This year my brother would have turned 19.  Would have.  Twelve months ago he died in a car accident.  Two months prior to this, my aunt died in a car accident.  Two months after burying my brother we buried my grandfather as well.  Grief over the loss of his daughter and his grandson destroyed his desire to live.  I miss my aunt and my grandfather, but with my brother things have been different.

I loved my grandfather very much and he loved me just as much.  He called me his favorite granddaughter (I was the only one until my sister was born 13 years after me).  He overcame his fear of flying to visit me when I was only a few months old.  It was his only plane flight.  He addressed his first (and only?) email to me.  He was always so glad to see me and told me to "be good" and "stay away from boys".  Every now and then in my busy life I would ring him up and we would chat on the phone.  I loved him and didn't want him to die.  He died slowly over a number of weeks and I was able to speak to him, to be with him, to say goodbye.  I wept at his funeral.  I missed him.  Yet my grief over the death of my grandfather was eclipsed by the grief over my brother's death.  It wasn't long before I adjusted to the absence of my grandfather and was able to enjoy my memories of his life rather than be overcome by the grief of his death.  It was not so with my brother.

I didn't get to say goodbye to my brother.  His death was sudden, unexpected, unforeseen.  I didn't even get to be with him while he lay unconscious in hospital because I was stuck, locked down in another state.  I couldn't even be with my family in person.  I had to rely on FaceTime.  It wasn't until I had spent a week trying to get permission to cross the border and two weeks in hotel quarantine, that I was reunited with my family.  The grief was incredibly intense and enduring.  It is only now, almost a year later, that I am able to grasp the fact that he really is gone.  The shock has worn off (I think) but the grief remains.  Slowly it becomes easier to bear with the passing of time.  It is no longer all encompassing but it is no less painful.  I am learning to live with my grief.

We are told that everyone experiences grief differently.  It is also true that we grieve different losses differently.  It was easier for me to part with my grandfather because he was old.  He had lived to see his kids grow up and some of his grandkids grow up too.  It was also easier because I saw it coming, I was able to say goodbye, and I was able to begin grieving when he was still alive.  None of this was true for my brother.  And my aunt?  That was hard too, only made easier by the fact that I had never spent a lot of time with her.  Regardless to say, the shock of her death was still very hard for me to handle and I can't imagine how hard it must be for her husband.  

Why am I sharing this with you all?  Because I have had numerous people who have indicated by words and/or actions that they understand the pain that I and my family are experiencing.  The fact is: You don't.  Don't pretend that you do.  Only those who have unexpectedly lost a sibling or child (or parent if the parent is young) can begin to understand.  Before I experienced this, I had no idea how painful it could be.  And that wasn't because I hadn't experienced the death of family members before.  The death of a grandfather is very different to the death of a brother.  

What do we need?  We need your love and empathetic, listening ears.  We can do without judgment and trite answers which only add to our pain.  Are you at a loss to know what to say to someone who is grieving?  In my next post I will share some comments that I have received which have helped me in my grief.

Miserable Comforters

Have you ever experienced miserable comforters?  Over the last twelve months I have experienced significant amounts of loss and grief.  As a result of these experiences, I have encountered two general groups of comforters and one of these groups has added to my pain rather than relieving it.  Miserable comforters.

 "Just trust in God and everything will be alright."

"Praise God."

"You need to be more resilient."

"This is part of God's plan for your life."

"Focus on the positive."

"What are the details?" [From people just seeking to satisfy their curiosity but who actually don't care about you]

"God is testing you." 

"You must have done something wrong and God is punishing you."

All from people who have NO IDEA what it is like to experience this, although they act like they do.  They don't even know the full story because they haven't taken the time to be there for you and listen WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.  They are full of answers and advice but severely lacking in wisdom.  Their comments echo what Job's friends said to him after he had lost his family and all his stuff, including his health.

Your children must have sinned against God, and so he punished them as they deserved. - Job 8:2*

God is punishing you less than you deserve. - Job 11:6

There is nothing you know that we don't know. - Job 15:9

Job, you upset me. Now I'm impatient to answer.  What you have said is an insult, but I know how to reply to you. - Job 20:1-3

Have you ever seen anyone like this man Job?  He never shows respect for God.  He likes the company of evil people and goes around with sinners.  He says that it never does any good to try to follow God's will. - Job 34:7-9

[God] protects those who are righteous; he allows them to rule like kings and lets them be honored forever. - Job 36:7 

If they obey God and serve him, they live out their lives in peace and prosperity. - Job 36:11 

God brought you out of trouble, and let you enjoy security; your table was piled high with food.  But now you are being punished as you deserve. - Job 36:16-17

No one can tell God what to do or accuse him of doing evil.  He has always been praised for what he does; you also must praise him. - Job 36:23-24

And what was God's response?

After the Lord had finished speaking to Job, he said to Eliphaz, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you did not speak the truth about me, the way my servant Job did.  Now take seven bulls and seven rams to Job and offer them as a sacrifice for yourselves. Job will pray for you, and I will answer his prayer and not disgrace you the way you deserve. You did not speak the truth about me as he did.” - Job 42:7-8

There are some things in life that we do not have the answers for.  Let us acknowledge and accept this, as hard as it is.  Lets be there for each other and listen without judgement and advice.

If you are going through a rough time in your life, don't feel bad about removing miserable comforters out of your life.

If you have been a miserable comforter, with help you can change, if you choose to.

ETA:

If you are needing help coping with stuff that is happening in your life and aren't sure where to turn, try calling the following numbers:

Lifeline 13 11 14 (Alternatively you can text or chat to them online at: https://www.lifeline.org.au/)

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 (or chat online at: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/)

You don't have to manage on your own.

*All Bible verses are quoted from the Good News Translation.

Characteristics of the Righteous

At the beginning of this year I was moving to a new town in New South Wales. In preparation for this, I decided to visit the local Seventh-day Adventist church. I arrived early but since no-one else was there yet, I spent a few minutes reading in my car. Unfortunately the content of the book was upsetting. Also, I got some dark looks from people when they saw my number plate (I still had Victorian registration plates on my car at that stage and Victoria had had a lot of trouble with COVID-19 infection control). As a result I needed to calm down before I could go in to the church and ended up walking in late. I slipped into a pew near the back. No-one greeted me, no-one smiled at me, no-one even acknowledged my presence. As I sat there I came ever closer to bursting into tears. Tears of anger and frustration. The comments of the leader contributed to my distressed state. Suddenly I got up and walked out. No-one followed me, no-one looked at me. I never went back. A few weeks later I received a leaflet in my letter box about Bible studies. What a joke. The impression that church had left on me was far from favourable. There was no way I was going back there, let alone study the Bible with someone from there. That was the coldest church that I ever experienced.

That experience along with similar experiences has caused me to think about Adventists. In general, Adventists pride themselves with having "the truth", with "keeping the commandments of God and the faith of Jesus", with "keeping the Sabbath" and with "looking forward to Jesus' second coming" among other things. They think they are doing the right thing and yet they lack love.

When the Son of Man comes as King and all the angels with him, he will sit on his royal throne, and the people of all the nations will be gathered before him. Then he will divide them into two groups, just as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the righteous people on his right and the others on his left. Then the King will say to the people on his right, 'Come, you that are blessed by my Father! Come and possess the kingdom which has been prepared for you ever since the creation of the world. I was hungry and you fed me, thirsty and you gave me a drink; I was a stranger and you received me in your homes, naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you took care of me, in prison and you visited me.'

The righteous will then answer him, 'When, Lord, did we ever see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you a drink? When did we ever see you a stranger and welcome you in our homes, or naked and clothe you? When did we ever see you sick or in prison, and visit you?' The King will reply, 'I tell you, whenever you did this for one of the least important of these members of my family, you did it for me!'

Then he will say to those on his left, 'Away from me, you that are under God's curse! Away to the eternal fire which has been prepared for the Devil and his angels! I was hungry but you would not feed me, thirsty but you would not give me a drink; I was a stranger but you would not welcome me in your homes, naked but you would not clothe me; I was sick and in prison but you would not take care of me.'

Then they will answer him, 'When, Lord, did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and would not help you? The King will reply, 'I tell you, whenever you refused to help one of these least important ones, you refused to help me.' These then, will be sent off to eternal punishment, but the righteous will go to eternal life." Matthew 25:31-46 GNT. 

God's people, the righteous, the ones who receive the reward of eternal life, are those who cared for the people who were in need.  How does this fit in with the verse often quoted by Adventists from Revelation about God's people?

This calls for endurance on the part of God's people, those who obey God's commandments and are faithful to Jesus. Revelation 14:12 GNT. 

Adventists often apply these characteristics to themselves because they "keep ALL of God's commandments" including the seventh day as the Sabbath. However, what does it mean to obey God's commandments? What are God's commandments? This question has been answered by Jesus himself.

When the Pharisees heard that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, they came together, and one of them, a teacher of the Law, tried to trap him with a question. "Teacher," he asked, "which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus answered, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the greatest and most important commandment. The second most important commandment is like it: 'Love your neighbour as you love yourself.' The whole Law of Moses and the teachings of the prophets depend on these two commandments." Matthew 22:34-40 GNT.

So, to obey the commandments of God means to love God with all your heart, soul and mind and to love your neighbour as yourself and you demonstrate this love by the way you treat other people.  Truth without love is not truth.

Now I don't want to leave you with the impression that all "Christians" or all "Adventists" are unkind and unloving.  I have encountered some who have shown genuine love and care towards those who were in need.  I have been a recipient of some of that love and care myself.  I have also encountered people outside of the church who have demonstrated a lot of love and care towards me and my family when we were in need.  God doesn't need us to judge each other.  He needs us to be His hands on this earth to show love and care to all around us.  

Help to carry one another's burdens, and in this way you will obey the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 GNT.