Words of Comfort and Pain

You want to support someone who is grieving and at the same time you don't want to say anything to add to their pain.  So, what can you say?  In this post I will share words that have brought me comfort as well as words that have added to my pain, in the hopes that it will help people to better support those who are grieving.  At the end I have also included a list of characteristics which supportive people have.

 Words that brought me comfort in my grief:

• I am so sorry for your loss
• I can't imagine how hard this is for you
• I don't know what to say, but I am here for you
• If you want to talk, I'm happy to listen 
• We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
  
• You can call me anytime you need someone to talk to (make sure that they have other numbers which they can call if they can't get hold of you - see the phone numbers at the end of this post)
  
• I don't know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can
  

Note for those who are grieving: You will encounter people who say any or all of the above things but do not mean what they say and who consequently let you down.  Don't give up.  Look for support elsewhere.  See the numbers at the bottom of this post if you are stuck.  There are supportive people out there, they just tend to be harder to find.

Words that added to my pain:

• There is a reason for everything
• I know how you feel
• All things work together for good
• God has a plan in all this
• Count your blessings
• Focus on the positive  
• You need to move on with your life
  

A tricky one:  I'm praying for you.  From the right sort of person (someone who is effectively supporting you), this can be encouraging.  From everyone else it feels like a cop out.  I'm doing something to help you by praying for you.  How about you pray and ask God for wisdom as to what YOU can say or do to help.  We are to be God's hands on this earth.

Sometimes it is best not to say anything, especially if the grieving person is very distressed.  Stay with them.  Be near them.  Pass them the tissues.  Give them a hug if they want it.  It is uncomfortable for you and them and sometimes you just have to sit with it.

As you have probably realised, there is more to support than simply speaking the right words.  Supportive people not only speak words of comfort, they possess certain characteristics (adapted from grief.com).

• Are supportive, but don't try to fix it
• Don't tell you what to do (but ask what you want/need or phrase suggestions as questions if you can't articulate your wants/needs, e.g. Would it help you if we went for a walk together?)
  
• Admit that they can't make it better (rather than rationalising or trying to explain the loss)
  
• Validate your feelings (non-judgemental)
  
• Recognise loss (instead of minimising it)
  
• Do not place a time-limit on grief but rather let them take the time that they need (pushing them will only slow the process)
  

Despite all this, there is nothing like having someone support you who has been through a similar experience.  If possible, connect the grieving person with this kind of support as well.

Essential contacts to have for support:

Lifeline 13 11 14

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

If your grief is suicide related, the following numbers are also great to have as a resource:

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

Suicide Call Back Service offers free professional 24/7 telephone counselling support to people at risk of suicide, concerned about someone at risk, bereaved by suicide and people experiencing emotional or mental health issues.

StandBy - Support After Suicide 1300 727 247 

Australia's leading suicide postvention program dedicated to assisting people and communities bereaved or impacted by suicide.

It's OK to Grieve

Twelve months ago, I experienced the sudden and unexpected death of my brother Peter.  There are no words to express the intense and enduring grief of myself and my family members in response to this tragedy.  It would have been impossible for me to imagine what this experience would have been like beforehand.  Only those who have tasted it will begin to understand.  Over the past twelve months I have gradually learned strategies to manage my grief.  It is no longer all encompassing.  The pain has not lessened, I have just learned how to live with it.  There is room for other things in my life alongside the grief.  How did I reach this point?  Time and people.  Time to express and process my grief through words, actions, and artwork.  People to listen without judgement as I struggled to express what I was going through, particularly individuals who had also experienced the sudden and unexpected death of a sibling, parent or child who had their whole life ahead of them.

What do we need from those around us when something like this happens to us?  We need to be listened to.  We need to be loved.  We need to be told and reminded that it is OK to grieve.  We need people to grieve with us.

Jesus' dear friend Lazarus had died, leaving behind his grieving sisters: Mary and Martha.  

When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed in the house.  John 11:20.

After speaking with Jesus, Martha returned to her sister Mary in the house and said: "The teacher is here, and is asking for you." John 11:28. 

When Mary heard this, she got up and hurried out to meet him...  Mary arrived where Jesus was, and as soon as she saw him, she fell at his feet.  "Lord," she said, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died!"  Jesus saw her weeping, and he saw how the people who were with her were weeping also; his heart was touched, and he was deeply moved.  "Where have you buried him?" he asked them.  "Come and see, Lord," they answered.  Jesus wept. John 11:29-35.

Did Jesus reprove Mary and those who were with her for grieving the death of Lazarus?  No.

Did Jesus tell Mary and her attendants to count their blessings, or praise God?  No.

Did Jesus tell them that they had grieved long enough and that they needed to move on with their lives?  No.

How did Jesus respond to their grief?  The Bible says that his heart was touched, he was deeply moved and he wept.  He wept.  He joined them.  He grieved with them.

Jesus knew that he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead.  Jesus knew that everyone would be happy and full of joy soon.  Jesus had hope.  Still, knowing all this, Jesus wept.  My friends, it is OK to grieve.