Words of Comfort and Pain

You want to support someone who is grieving and at the same time you don't want to say anything to add to their pain.  So, what can you say?  In this post I will share words that have brought me comfort as well as words that have added to my pain, in the hopes that it will help people to better support those who are grieving.  At the end I have also included a list of characteristics which supportive people have.

 Words that brought me comfort in my grief:

• I am so sorry for your loss
• I can't imagine how hard this is for you
• I don't know what to say, but I am here for you
• If you want to talk, I'm happy to listen 
• We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
  
• You can call me anytime you need someone to talk to (make sure that they have other numbers which they can call if they can't get hold of you - see the phone numbers at the end of this post)
  
• I don't know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can
  

Note for those who are grieving: You will encounter people who say any or all of the above things but do not mean what they say and who consequently let you down.  Don't give up.  Look for support elsewhere.  See the numbers at the bottom of this post if you are stuck.  There are supportive people out there, they just tend to be harder to find.

Words that added to my pain:

• There is a reason for everything
• I know how you feel
• All things work together for good
• God has a plan in all this
• Count your blessings
• Focus on the positive  
• You need to move on with your life
  

A tricky one:  I'm praying for you.  From the right sort of person (someone who is effectively supporting you), this can be encouraging.  From everyone else it feels like a cop out.  I'm doing something to help you by praying for you.  How about you pray and ask God for wisdom as to what YOU can say or do to help.  We are to be God's hands on this earth.

Sometimes it is best not to say anything, especially if the grieving person is very distressed.  Stay with them.  Be near them.  Pass them the tissues.  Give them a hug if they want it.  It is uncomfortable for you and them and sometimes you just have to sit with it.

As you have probably realised, there is more to support than simply speaking the right words.  Supportive people not only speak words of comfort, they possess certain characteristics (adapted from grief.com).

• Are supportive, but don't try to fix it
• Don't tell you what to do (but ask what you want/need or phrase suggestions as questions if you can't articulate your wants/needs, e.g. Would it help you if we went for a walk together?)
  
• Admit that they can't make it better (rather than rationalising or trying to explain the loss)
  
• Validate your feelings (non-judgemental)
  
• Recognise loss (instead of minimising it)
  
• Do not place a time-limit on grief but rather let them take the time that they need (pushing them will only slow the process)
  

Despite all this, there is nothing like having someone support you who has been through a similar experience.  If possible, connect the grieving person with this kind of support as well.

Essential contacts to have for support:

Lifeline 13 11 14

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

If your grief is suicide related, the following numbers are also great to have as a resource:

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

Suicide Call Back Service offers free professional 24/7 telephone counselling support to people at risk of suicide, concerned about someone at risk, bereaved by suicide and people experiencing emotional or mental health issues.

StandBy - Support After Suicide 1300 727 247 

Australia's leading suicide postvention program dedicated to assisting people and communities bereaved or impacted by suicide.

Grief

This year my brother would have turned 19.  Would have.  Twelve months ago he died in a car accident.  Two months prior to this, my aunt died in a car accident.  Two months after burying my brother we buried my grandfather as well.  Grief over the loss of his daughter and his grandson destroyed his desire to live.  I miss my aunt and my grandfather, but with my brother things have been different.

I loved my grandfather very much and he loved me just as much.  He called me his favorite granddaughter (I was the only one until my sister was born 13 years after me).  He overcame his fear of flying to visit me when I was only a few months old.  It was his only plane flight.  He addressed his first (and only?) email to me.  He was always so glad to see me and told me to "be good" and "stay away from boys".  Every now and then in my busy life I would ring him up and we would chat on the phone.  I loved him and didn't want him to die.  He died slowly over a number of weeks and I was able to speak to him, to be with him, to say goodbye.  I wept at his funeral.  I missed him.  Yet my grief over the death of my grandfather was eclipsed by the grief over my brother's death.  It wasn't long before I adjusted to the absence of my grandfather and was able to enjoy my memories of his life rather than be overcome by the grief of his death.  It was not so with my brother.

I didn't get to say goodbye to my brother.  His death was sudden, unexpected, unforeseen.  I didn't even get to be with him while he lay unconscious in hospital because I was stuck, locked down in another state.  I couldn't even be with my family in person.  I had to rely on FaceTime.  It wasn't until I had spent a week trying to get permission to cross the border and two weeks in hotel quarantine, that I was reunited with my family.  The grief was incredibly intense and enduring.  It is only now, almost a year later, that I am able to grasp the fact that he really is gone.  The shock has worn off (I think) but the grief remains.  Slowly it becomes easier to bear with the passing of time.  It is no longer all encompassing but it is no less painful.  I am learning to live with my grief.

We are told that everyone experiences grief differently.  It is also true that we grieve different losses differently.  It was easier for me to part with my grandfather because he was old.  He had lived to see his kids grow up and some of his grandkids grow up too.  It was also easier because I saw it coming, I was able to say goodbye, and I was able to begin grieving when he was still alive.  None of this was true for my brother.  And my aunt?  That was hard too, only made easier by the fact that I had never spent a lot of time with her.  Regardless to say, the shock of her death was still very hard for me to handle and I can't imagine how hard it must be for her husband.  

Why am I sharing this with you all?  Because I have had numerous people who have indicated by words and/or actions that they understand the pain that I and my family are experiencing.  The fact is: You don't.  Don't pretend that you do.  Only those who have unexpectedly lost a sibling or child (or parent if the parent is young) can begin to understand.  Before I experienced this, I had no idea how painful it could be.  And that wasn't because I hadn't experienced the death of family members before.  The death of a grandfather is very different to the death of a brother.  

What do we need?  We need your love and empathetic, listening ears.  We can do without judgment and trite answers which only add to our pain.  Are you at a loss to know what to say to someone who is grieving?  In my next post I will share some comments that I have received which have helped me in my grief.

It's OK to Grieve

Twelve months ago, I experienced the sudden and unexpected death of my brother Peter.  There are no words to express the intense and enduring grief of myself and my family members in response to this tragedy.  It would have been impossible for me to imagine what this experience would have been like beforehand.  Only those who have tasted it will begin to understand.  Over the past twelve months I have gradually learned strategies to manage my grief.  It is no longer all encompassing.  The pain has not lessened, I have just learned how to live with it.  There is room for other things in my life alongside the grief.  How did I reach this point?  Time and people.  Time to express and process my grief through words, actions, and artwork.  People to listen without judgement as I struggled to express what I was going through, particularly individuals who had also experienced the sudden and unexpected death of a sibling, parent or child who had their whole life ahead of them.

What do we need from those around us when something like this happens to us?  We need to be listened to.  We need to be loved.  We need to be told and reminded that it is OK to grieve.  We need people to grieve with us.

Jesus' dear friend Lazarus had died, leaving behind his grieving sisters: Mary and Martha.  

When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed in the house.  John 11:20.

After speaking with Jesus, Martha returned to her sister Mary in the house and said: "The teacher is here, and is asking for you." John 11:28. 

When Mary heard this, she got up and hurried out to meet him...  Mary arrived where Jesus was, and as soon as she saw him, she fell at his feet.  "Lord," she said, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died!"  Jesus saw her weeping, and he saw how the people who were with her were weeping also; his heart was touched, and he was deeply moved.  "Where have you buried him?" he asked them.  "Come and see, Lord," they answered.  Jesus wept. John 11:29-35.

Did Jesus reprove Mary and those who were with her for grieving the death of Lazarus?  No.

Did Jesus tell Mary and her attendants to count their blessings, or praise God?  No.

Did Jesus tell them that they had grieved long enough and that they needed to move on with their lives?  No.

How did Jesus respond to their grief?  The Bible says that his heart was touched, he was deeply moved and he wept.  He wept.  He joined them.  He grieved with them.

Jesus knew that he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead.  Jesus knew that everyone would be happy and full of joy soon.  Jesus had hope.  Still, knowing all this, Jesus wept.  My friends, it is OK to grieve.

No Answers

So what are my conclusions from the last two blog posts?

In the first one, "Why?", I shared some possible answers as to why good things and bad things happen in general, however there were no answers for specific situations.  There are still no answers for why my brother died as a result of his car accident while other people have been miraculously healed.

When Job asked, "Why?", God didn't give him answers for his specific situation either.  

We do not know why God heals some people and lets others die.  We do not know why some people live relatively happy lives while others experience a lot of pain and suffering.  God hasn't given us answers for our specific situations.  What he has done, is given us a picture of who He is.

• God created each and every one of us and the world in which we live.
• God is love.
• God paid the price for our sin so that He could live with us forever.
• God wants to be with us.
  
• He paints the glorious sunsets and sunrises.
• He hangs the dew drops on the blades of grass and embeds them in the spiders' web.

Study the Bible (particularly the gospels) and nature to find out more about who God really is.

God has not given us answers for our specific situations, but one day He will (though not in this lifetime).  We need to trust Him and wait.

Rather than trying to give answers to suffering people, let's admit that we don't have answers.  In the words of my friend Jess, "I just feel like the cliche Christian platitudes don't cut it when it comes to pain and suffering." Rather than trying to fix the pain and suffering of those around us, let us sit with them in empathy and look for practical ways to show love and care to them.

Job: Why?

Job lost everything: his children, his stuff and his health.  He asked God: "Why....?"

Then out of the storm the Lord spoke to Job (Job 38:1).

Who are you to question my wisdom with your ignorant, empty words?  Now stand up straight and answer the questions I ask you.  Job 38:2-3.

Part 1 of God's questions.  Part 2 of God's questions.

Job, you challenged Almighty God; will you give up now, or will you answer?  Job 40:1-2.

How did Job respond?

I spoke foolishly, Lord. What can I answer?  I will not try to say anything else.  I have already said more than I should.  Job 40:3-5

Then out of the storm the Lord spoke to Job once again (Job 40:6).

Now stand up straight and answer my questions.  Are you trying to prove that I am unjust— to put me in the wrong and yourself in the right?  Are you as strong as I am?  Can your voice thunder as loud as mine?  If so...  Job 40:7-10. 

Part 3 of God's questions.  Part 4 of God's questions.

Then Job answered the Lord (Job 42:1):

I know, Lord, that you are all-powerful; that you can do everything you want.  You ask how I dare question your wisdom when I am so very ignorant.  I talked about things I did not understand, about marvels too great for me to know.  You told me to listen while you spoke and to try to answer your questions.  In the past I knew only what others had told me, but now I have seen you with my own eyes.  So I am ashamed of all I have said and repent in dust and ashes.  Job 42:2-6.   

I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject.  Please share as a comment or direct message on Facebook or Instagram.

Why?

Why do bad things happen?  Why is there so much misery in the world?  Why do some people experience a lot of loss and sorrow in their lives and others not so much?  Why...?

These questions have weighed heavily on my mind over the last year.  I have been frustrated in being unable to find adequate answers to my questions.  I don't know why my brother died so suddenly at such a young age...  

There are a lot of things that I don't know, there are only a few things that I do.  I am sharing them here in the hopes that they may bring comfort to people who are suffering.

First, we all have the freedom of choice.

Second, no person is an island.  The choices that we make impact the lives of those around us.

Why doesn't God intervene?

Sometimes he does.  

• He opened the earth to swallow up Korah, Dathan and Abiram when they rebelled.

• He raised Dorcas from the dead so that she could continue her charitable work of clothing the poor.
  

• He healed captain Naaman, a heathen Syrian, of leprosy.
  

Sometime he doesn't.

• Lazarus died when Jesus could have healed him.
  

• John the Baptist was beheaded.
  

• Stephen was stoned to death.

What if God never intervened?  We would all be ignorant of God's character.  Not to mention that we would all be lost.

What if God always intervened and stopped bad things from happening?  We would all be ignorant of Satan's character and couldn't make an informed choice.

Why does God make the choices that He does?  We do not know.  We do not know the mind of God.  We cannot judge his choices. [This raises other questions around the purpose of prayer which will not be addressed at this time].

However, we do know that in heaven Lucifer challenged God.  The Bible says that there was war in heaven and Lucifer, now Satan, was thrown out with one third of the angels.

This war has continued on this earth.  It cost the life of Jesus.

In his life and death Jesus demonstrated that God was right.  His way was best - a kingdom of love, joy and peace which can only come through freedom of choice.

Satan doesn't want love.  He doesn't want choice.  He wants to rule by force.  He wants to take control.

God wants people to make informed decisions.  We can only make informed decisions when time and freedom have been given for the consequences of decisions to be played out.  Forced decisions made with insufficient information will be made from the motive of fear rather than love.  God wants us to choose Him from love, not fear.

Are these answers adequate for me?  I'm not sure.  Are they adequate for you?  I don't know.  At least this is a start. Perhaps this is where trust comes in.

Next time we will look at the interaction between Job and God when Job asked: "Why?"

Eventually, the war will be ended and the message will be proclaimed:

"Now God's home is with human beings!  He will live with them, and they shall be his people.  God himself will be with them, and he will be their God.  He will wipe away all tears from their eyes.  There will be no more death, no more grief or crying or pain.  The old things have disappeared." 

Revelation 21:3-4 GNT

ETA: You can share your remarks (comments) via Facebook or Instagram.  I would love to hear from you.