You want to support someone who is grieving and at the same time you don't want to say anything to add to their pain. So, what can you say? In this post I will share words that have brought me comfort as well as words that have added to my pain, in the hopes that it will help people to better support those who are grieving. At the end I have also included a list of characteristics which supportive people have.
- I am so sorry for your loss
- I can't imagine how hard this is for you
- I don't know what to say, but I am here for you
- If you want to talk, I'm happy to listen
- We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
- You can call me anytime you need someone to talk to (make sure that they have other numbers which they can call if they can't get hold of you - see the phone numbers at the end of this post)
- I don't know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can
Note for those who are grieving: You will encounter people who say any or all of the above things but do not mean what they say and who consequently let you down. Don't give up. Look for support elsewhere. See the numbers at the bottom of this post if you are stuck. There are supportive people out there, they just tend to be harder to find.
Words that added to my pain:
- There is a reason for everything
- I know how you feel
- All things work together for good
- God has a plan in all this
- Count your blessings
- Focus on the positive
- You need to move on with your life
A tricky one: I'm praying for you. From the right sort of person (someone who is effectively supporting you), this can be encouraging. From everyone else it feels like a cop out. I'm doing something to help you by praying for you. How about you pray and ask God for wisdom as to what YOU can say or do to help. We are to be God's hands on this earth.
Sometimes it is best not to say anything, especially if the grieving person is very distressed. Stay with them. Be near them. Pass them the tissues. Give them a hug if they want it. It is uncomfortable for you and them and sometimes you just have to sit with it.
As you have probably realised, there is more to support than simply speaking the right words. Supportive people not only speak words of comfort, they possess certain characteristics (adapted from grief.com).
- Are supportive, but don't try to fix it
- Don't tell you what to do (but ask what you want/need or phrase suggestions as questions if you can't articulate your wants/needs, e.g. Would it help you if we went for a walk together?)
- Admit that they can't make it better (rather than rationalising or trying to explain the loss)
- Validate your feelings (non-judgemental)
- Recognise loss (instead of minimising it)
- Do not place a time-limit on grief but rather let them take the time that they need (pushing them will only slow the process)
Despite all this, there is nothing like having someone support you who has been through a similar experience. If possible, connect the grieving person with this kind of support as well.
Essential contacts to have for support:
Lifeline 13 11 14
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
If your grief is suicide related, the following numbers are also great to have as a resource:
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
Suicide Call Back Service offers free professional 24/7 telephone counselling support to people at risk of suicide, concerned about someone at risk, bereaved by suicide and people experiencing emotional or mental health issues.
StandBy - Support After Suicide 1300 727 247
Australia's leading suicide postvention program dedicated to assisting people and communities bereaved or impacted by suicide.
